Sunday, March 23, 2014

Day Twenty Three - Seaweed Again

This has been one of the more difficult days for me emotionally. I have found it hard to focus (though I did get some work done) and hard to manage the many emotions that I juggle every day. I'm not talking about my emotions. I'm talking about keeping the peace among the many family members that seem to be overflowing with emotions every day. I find that I am constantly trying to "keep the peace" and make everyone happy for the day. While this might serve to help everyone manage their day and often is necessary in our current living arrangements, I find that serves me no personal satisfaction whatsoever and only serves to increase my anxiety level.

That said, I find that the evenings are what I look forward to the very most. And yet, there doesn't seem to be much peace there any longer. By the time I finally get to drop dead at night, I don't feel accomplished. In fact, I find that I am in the same situation as I was the day before, but more frustrated because I know it. This is not to say I don't make headway with finding writing gigs and getting the job done. It just means I find very little pleasure in my daily tasks and often forget why I started to write in the first place.

On an up note, although I have not used a scale, I find that I have lost some weight and am more comfortable with my physical feeling. This should be huge for me and is feeling better, however, I still feel like I have lost myself among the mess of life and the chaos and wonder if I will ever find the surface again. There seems to be little time in my day among the many needs of others for me to make much stride toward the surface, like I get caught up in the seaweed along the way every time.

The look in my son's eyes when he watches a movie or plays with the dog is something I can't get past and it is why I.. do it all again, every day. While my 14 year old daughter is giving me a run for my money and is nothing like the child I knew a few years ago, she too is reason enough for me to attempt to move forward every day, even knowing I'm not making much stride forward.

So, hereon day number twenty three of my Goal Challenge, I feel... less than satisfied and exhausted. Tomorrow brings with it a new set of challenges and maybe, if I am lucky, a new set of options. I'll sleep, if I can, and wait for a new day and a new chance to "make change."

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